Why do we want our kids to do so well in sports? Why do they need to be the quickest learner, the best piano player or the fastest runner? Is it about our children or our ego?
I was observing a shouting Dad at our local swimming class the other day. Even though his son couldn’t hear him in the pool which is behind a glass wall, he was shouting “move your arms”, “not like this!”, “come on, you can do it”, while moving his arms frantically!
It was very clear that he wanted him to do well really badly that he thought it was a good idea to behave as if it was a champions league football match! We’re talking about a 4 year old’s swimming lesson by the way… I was just glad that the poor boy (who didn’t even look at his dad) couldn’t hear him!
I’m not judging any parenting skills here as I have caught myself doing a similar thing when my daughter was learning to ride the scooter. I wanted her to do well, I got frustrated when she didn’t get it straight away. I maybe wasn’t as shouty as the shouty man but I definitely got a little carried away!
The funny thing is that this was always something that I criticised about my own mum! She was always really impatient when I was learning something new. She always made comments that I wasn’t doing well enough or didn’t learn it quickly enough. At least that’s what I thought at the time and it’s what I remember.
I now understand much better what this was all about! It was probably mainly about her and not about me! She obviously wanted me to do well but was it maybe her ego that got a little bit carried away? Did she think that what I was doing somehow reflected on her?
There are certain things that you only understand once you have children and one of them is that you take everything that your child does or doesn’t do personally. Maybe this changes ones the kids are older – mine are two and three so I wouldn’t know – but I seriously doubt it. It’s probably a life long thing.
So where does this come from? From a woman’s point of view this is maybe understandable because that child was a part of you for nine months. From the moment your child is born, they become a separate person but they will always be a part of you in a way. Maybe the same feeling is true for men, even though they obviously skipped the pregnancy and birth part.
Our kids are a part of us and in a way we take credit for whatever they do well but on the other hand we also take responsibility for whatever they don’t do well!
I think we have to remember sometimes what it was like when we were children. We didn’t fully understand the connection between a parent and a child – at least not the same way as we do now. Some of us might have experienced impatient parents who were somehow never happy with our progress. And because they were our parents their opinion was so important to us – even if we didn’t want them to know that of course!
I guess some kids are driven to do better when they are being pushed. For me the opposite was true and I wanted to avoid whatever I risked not to be really good at.
From an adult point of view we are just trying to encourage are children to do better of course but maybe we need to sometimes take a step back to check why we are doing this? Is it for them or for us? Are they better off if they just get on with it themselves? Do they need us to be pushy? Some children might, some children might not.
And I guess either is ok as long as it’s about the kids and not our own unfulfilled dreams!
Just something to think about…
definitely, an Ego which tells you to be above all else, the real you accept who you are, what you capable of, but inspires to do more without any judgement.
great post. thank you